FUNNY, just had to share

Just bumped onto this around the world wide web and had to share…..

Ati:

intertwined for g

Men & Women are from different worlds

 

Q: Why do men walk more and women talk more?

A: Coz men have three legs and women have four lips

Q: Why do women wear flowered panties?

A: Coz its their way of saying, ‘In memory of those who were buried here.’

Q: Three guys were introduced to a girl

      Hi! I’m Peter, not a saint

       Hi! I’m Paul, not a pope

       Hi! I’m John, not the baptist

      The girl said, “I’m Mary, not a virgin.’


Wife asked husband how many women he had slept with

Husband proudly replies, “Only you darling, with others, I was awake!”

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Nippless Alert!

comfy at first

comfy at first

My first experience with nipple concealers

Was at Westgate Shopping Mall last weekend and  my friend sort of dragged me along with her into Basic  Intimates, a lingerie shop I have shopped at for a couple of years. I warned her not to let me get in because I wouldn’t walk out of there empty handed. For the first time (she’d never known or seen for herself that part of me)-I confessed that I was a spend thrift. Especially when it comes to shoes or anything that makes me feel sexier. New things definitely have the tendency of making one feel like that.

We go in anyway (couldn’t resist). I’m not sure what she was checking out. I, on the other hand, was ogling at an outfit that was on display over there-a checked mini-shirt and a tie. Damn kinky! I point it out to my friend, saying how I’d love to have myself one of them and she says, “You are a freak!” Imagine!

Somehow, the topic of using nipple concealers comes up and I say , “I’d love to try something like that because when my nipples harden, they really stick out. Yet, once in a while I’d love to not wear a bra. How much?’

The sales lady goes to enquire and comes back with three packs of nipple concealers. There was a silicone one among these but I chose Nippless-worth Ksh. 450. Take it for a test run without feeling too much of a pinch in my dollars (hihihi!) That’s the point when my friend realizes  that I really was an impulse buyer, that I wasn’t kidding about what I’d said earlier. Truth is, I had always wanted an alternative to bras and nipple poking-out. This opportunity was just right.

On the cover of the pack was the name and a tag line that reads, ‘For swimming, dancing and t-shirt time.’ I opened it the next day, i was planning to wear a sundress that day-a sundress that I wear without a bra but embarrasses me when the whether suddenly changes or I get excited.

Nippless packaging

Nipless packaging

Back to opening the pack; Inside, I find five pairs of nipple concealers. I take the first one and try them on, two black well-cut round pieces covering up only the nipple area. They seem very secure and I don’t worry about them falling off  I then dress up. Great! They worked that day and I recall wondering how the heck I didn’t know about them before.

However, things weren’t the same the next day. I put another pair on before I wore my spaghetti strap but when I looked at myself on the mirror, I noticed that it was too visible. I thought maybe I was just being too observant but then it happened again that afternoon.

See, the package says that I can go swimming with them too. So I go swimming with them but my nipples (because of the cold that day) were poking out even more. Meaning either that they ain’t as effective as they claim to be or my nipples are too big or sensitive to be concealed.hahaha!

I had fun though, I hadn’t done anything  that ‘feminine-like’ in a while!

Celeb Obsessions Was/I'm crazy about….

 

Bette of the L word

Feminine yet very dominant

Once upon a time, when I was a teenager, I was ‘crazy’ about certain celebrities. I don’ mean the Celebtiry Worship Syndrome-this is too extreme. Mine was just fantasies about certain celebs. I’d also collect everything I’d find on them; information, lyrics but especially posters and photos from magazines and newspapers. (The internet was too expensive then…hahah!!). Plus, those days, we  (since we didn’t even have DSTV at home) were not so exposed to the entertainment world like kids of today are. We only had KBC, Metro FM and KTN later on…no KISS TV or EATV.

Them days (my adolescent and teenage years), I loved 5 Alive like mad-akina Eric Wainaina, Bob Kioko, Victor Seii. I knew almost everything about them. my bestfriend and I collected photos,, music, everything about them.

After this came Aaliyah, wolololo! I knew everything about this one. I dressed like her-even, sang along to all her songs, knew who she was seeing etc.

Next in line was Usher. I actually thought he was the hottest ever! I fantasised about his kissing n makin’ love to me. i sang along to his songs too n’ had plenty of him all over me n my sisters’ bedroom. I even attempted to dance like him. 

After this was Kelly Rowland of Destinys’ Child. I wanted her for myself, when everyone else was gagagaga!!! about Beyonce, my choice was Kelly. I loved her personality, her skin colour, her body-she was the real ‘princess’ for me.

Then I got fully into Michael Jackson, this one was too much. I had all his music, lyrics, videos. I even remember dancing to ‘Bad’ as a curtain raiser for a french play at Alliance Francaise in Nairobi.

I'm still obsessed

she wolf'ed me

Over the years, I have obsessed with other celebs not mentioned here (though not to a clinically unfit level).Take Shakira-I still have plenty of sexy photos of her and who could possibly not love her belly-dancing? Plus the fact that (inspite of how blessed she is) there is very little drama about her that gets out to the public (makes her so mystical). I want Shakira. Sexy! Damn!

About two years ago, I started watching The L word, a drama about a bunch of lesbians. I met Bette Porter and Shane and it was so hard to choose my all time favourite.

See, Bette brought out a number of things I totally related to. Here she was, feminine yet very dominant, dresses like a woman, yet she was very much like a man; controlling, hot tempered yet so lovin. Plus sexy, mad, creative…name it! I watched every single episode within a couple of days to understand her character.

Shane, on the other hand, represented a character who I could get attracted to but could never be like. Except for a few instances, eg.at a certain stage when I couldn’t be faithful to one person. And Shane is stil hot, yet boyish. I believe I could fall for her charms!   Shane of the L word

Boyish yet sexy

 

You won’t even guess who my latest obsession is…. Kaz. The Kenyan Kaz (poet, musician). I had no idea it could ever happen but yea! it did. And I have seen her naked already, and she is probably bisexual. This Kenyan beauty takes a hold of my night dreams and rocks me!

Things I wish my mama told me

Talking with other people about sex and childhood, I realize how lucky I am.

As I set out to write this list of things I wish my mama told me, I stopped mid way, on realizing how much she did and contributed to the sexually liberated person I am today.

See, my mama was relatively open and a little lenient with us on matters of sexuality (compared to my Dad and other parents).

-While my Dad gave us curfews for 6p.m., my mum gave us cash to go for jam sessions when my dad was on ‘safari’.

-I learnt about contraception and condoms at home. For some reason, there were always condoms and (porn magazines) in our home. Plus, mum took me to see a doctor (for education) about contraception when I hadn’t even started dating.

-Let me tell you about guys;

My mum would say how bad guys  are and my dad would say how guys are all the same. Were they suggesting I look in another direction? Eventually, I did.

-While Dad told me I was allowed to do whatever I wanted after I hit 21 years of age, mum took me on an outing-to drink alcohol (and let guys hit on me but nothing more) when I was 18 years old.

-When I took a girl home, my mum simply said, “Mtoto wangu, utanionesha mambo mengi!” Translated: “My child, you will show me many things.”

-Mum let us wear minis when Dad was away. Dad on the other hand, would cause drama if you weren’t in trousers when leaving the house.

-Mum would let our boyfriends (friends who were boys) come over to our house. Dad on the other hand, caused havoc whenever he saw boys talk to me and my sister.

To date, I feel blessed that I can tell my mum anything and she definitely will have something to say.

I could go on and on about some of the things mum did /didn’t do. Point is, I realize now that if it wasn’t for these things, I wouldn’t  be the  sexual being I am today.

I would probably not take my sexuality as something worth celebrating, something worth all my TLC, something worth nurturing, developing , something  fluid, unique and with artistic toppings, blessings and all those good things.

Sex Party? Hell No! Give it another name

I have a bunch of older male friends who I ask questions about business. In turn, they ask whatever they need to know about sex. This time, these bunch of guys wanted to meet me for coffee at 6pm. I met them at their ‘spot’. In their company was a guy I had never met and who they said was living abroad and was just visiting. He looked like a really cute ‘geek’.

What they were all interested in was a sex party. The kind of party you go in either topless or naked, condoms all over the place and you could ‘do’ whoever you wanted-as long as the person/s wanted you too. They wanted me to be hostess, organize the party and bring in the ladies. I told them I had organized parties before but not sex parties. Was it viable in Kenya, what with our culture and everything? What if none of the ladies liked any of the guys? If I felt a bit weird about it, how about other ladies?

A full-on sex party felt like such a pressure. However, we agreed to try it anyway, see how it goes…

Most of the ladies were up for a party-but the sex part-No!!! Zii!! They’d immediately back-down at the mention. After a couple of calls, I decided to call the guys and explain the situation. It was either they just throw a normal party and hope the sex just happens or nothing. They consulted and settled on just a party. Phewks!

The party was at someones’ house on State House road. It was Friday. 7pm and there I was with about six ladies so excited about this party with a bunch of older guys. Some said they preferred older guys coz they were mature yet fun . One of the guys picked us up. The other ladies who got to the meeting point late, had to take a cab. There was lots to drink and eat. Did I mention that some of the ladies I brought in were either bi or lesbos. Well, I didn’t mention it to the guys. Everyone mingled beautifully.

I played hostess for a while until one of ‘my girls’ started acting lovy-davy and wanting everyone to know where her ‘hots’ were pointed at. This went on throughout the evening. Observing and listening to the guys at the party, I realized how some guys are in such a rush to bed a lady that they give up too early and miss an opportunity that just might have worked in time. When one of them gave up the ‘hunt’, he walked out and came back with three girls. One of them so dark and chocolaty hot, I was speechless and stared the entire time. They said she was a sex-therapist. She was very quiet though.

Someone asked me to go put on some porn. I unleashed ‘Diary of a Pimp’. Snoop Dogg’s in it, being interviewed in between the hard-core stuff. But I had to eject it because the new arrivals didn’t like the idea of watching it in a group. There was no way a sex party would have worked with this kind. ‘Diary of a pimp’ is a hot porn though-lots of girl-on-girl and sex-toys.

Fast forward to the sex. Yes, there was lots of sex eventually. Like most house-parties, most bedrooms were locked, even the ‘loos’ were occupied for over 20 minutes. Girls-on-girls, threesomes-name it! Even the ‘geek-looking’ guy got very lucky. One University student got her fantasy fulfilled. “I have always wanted to watch two people doing it in real life,” she’d told me earlier.

But it was the feedback after the party that was most suprising. “Nani ended up with nani. Nani wanted you but nani was all over you. Me and nani were the only ones who didn’t get lucky. It seemed there were too many girls who liked girls, we blame that situation,” one of them confessed.

“When’s the next party? I really had fun, loved it!!” one of the ladies said a few days later.

“Did you get or give some?” I asked.

“Hell, no! “ she replied, “But I danced, drank, talked, laughed a lot and even made out with nani and nani and that was fun!”

The Squirting Demo: My first experience at a bridal shower

Jay, a pimp who I’d come into contact with sometime back when I was organizing a bachelors’ party called me, asking me whether I could do a squirting demonstration and get paid. I told him to give me sometime to think about it because I had never done anything like that and I wasn’t really sure I could do it (infront of a bunch of women for that matter).

My job was to do all I could (including ‘do’ myself with a sex toy or finger until I squirted). He knew I would squirt: it kind of came into a conversation we were having before the bachelors’ party (he is the one who brought it all the strippers).So, I worked on myself and when I was sure I could make myself come, I was ready to say yes. I also wanted to test myself, see what I was capable of and answer ‘Could I really do it infront of female strangers? How would they take it?

7pm, he picked me up from town, we hang out together as he briefed me about the ‘clients’. One of the women was about to get married and his job (by the way, he is also a sex therapist) was to talk to them about ‘What men want’ and basically advise them on how to handle a man. He was then to show a couple of sex videos before and after I did a practical/real life example of what a squirting orgasm is like.

The bridal shower was in someones’ house in Kileleshwa. Jay also sells sex toys, so I helped him carry a few into the house. I counted eight women as I walked into the house, still feeling nervous as hell. I am a shy person so how would I get past this? I wondered.

We were welcomed, given some alcohol and taadaah….!!!! the night began. I could tell that these women were under 30 years old because of the kind of questions they were asking Jay and the kind of comments they were making. I learnt a few things too from Jay-about men and women. Did I mention that these women were hot. When one of them learnt about my role here at the party, she sat by my side the entire time and let me kiss and grab her sumptuous self.

Soon, sometime in the night (when I was very nicely high) it was my turn. I went to the bedroom, ‘chucked out’ my sex toy and went back to the sitting room where everyone was waiting to see a ‘real life’ squirting orgasm and learn how they themselves can have one.

It started off with one lady kissing and grabbing me but soon I was all alone on the floor and I heard ohhhs and ahhhs. I also remember one lady coming up to touch the ‘squirt’ and another who still couldn’t believe (even after seeing and listening to Jay talk about the squirting orgasm. You couldn’t convince that one that it wasn’t pee.

The rest of the night was really crazy. People were locking themselves up in rooms two by two, three by one, two by three…. The ladies were coming up to me too, asking questions that eventually led to getting half and fully naked, interruptions etc. But ‘shit’ happened here too; two ladies came up to me towards the end of the night wanting to know what kinda man Jay was.

He was a professional associate, I said, and he had a girlfriend (a friend of mine), I really didn’t know him that well. ‘Is he safe,” they asked. ‘Why?’ I retorted. Why are you asking me? “We both just ‘did him’ without a condom,” one of them answered. Gracious God! What the heck!

‘You should have thought of the consequences before doing it,’ I spoke out loud without meaning to, then remembering…Yes, in

places like these- situations like these, people do get carried away.

Q: Would I do another squirting demo?

A: I did not think I actually would (I’m not an exhibitionist) but I did another one a few weeks after this one…A story for another day right here….

 

 

Concieved in my prescence-the results of a threesome

I walked into the club knowing I was coming to meet Jeff**(not his real name). Kumbe, he also had a date with Flora**. Flora was very much my type of girl and I bet Jeff (a long time friend with benefits) knew it and brought her here on purpose. Plus, he knew I liked threesomes as much as he did. He later explained that they met on facebook and that this was their first ‘real’ date. We were later joined by Flora’s friend and two of her male cousins. I remember partying so hard that Friday night; it had been a long hard week and I was living to ‘Work hard and play hard’. We moved to another club outside the CBD (Nairobi City Center) later that night. It was at this new place that I began to ‘tightly’ hit-it-off with Flora. This might sound stupid, but I actually thought (thanks to my state of highness…or maybe not…) I really did believe that Flora would be great for me. We connected at almost all levels.

That Friday night, I remember ending up with Flora and Jeff at Flora’s place. we continued the party in her bedroom. She had a young daughter (I later learnt) sleeping in one bedroom and a younger brother in the other) so we tried not to make so much noise.

Soon, we were all naked, and as I got busy working on Flora, Jeff gazed on, hard as hell wondering where to start. In a few, he had found a way of blending right into our exploration.

What shocked me most was seeing Flora let Jeff fuck her without a condom. Didn’t he just tell me they met on FB and that this was their first real-date? Anywho, these were adults and they obviously knew what they were doing so I just let things move on.It was a night to remember, i must say…

I left them in bed, early in the morning when I left.

I’d completely forgotten about this incident until a few months ago when Flora sent me a text message (we’d never seen each other since then but we were friends on Facebook and we had each others contacts). She explained that she was pregnant as a result of that night (they’d never seen each other since but she  said she hadn’t been with anyone else and was sure the baby was his).

She was contacting me believing that since I knew Jeff longer than she did, I’d be in a position to tell her whether he was the kind to take responsibility-‘Was he reliable?’ she asked me. I told her I really didn’t know him that well.

I met Jeff a few weeks later and he told me about the baby (without my asking). He and Flora were locked in a battle as she tried to get him to support her and the baby, even (Flora) going to the extent of calling Jeff’s HR boss. “If she wasn’t such a hard-head, I’d consider support her. But she likes to fight..” were his words then. Though I never said this, I do think this was a trap. Jeff must have gotten himself trapped.

A few months after this, I recieved another SMS from Flora. “Hi! I just delivered….”(as in Jeff Juniour) 

Today, I got another message from her; that Jeff is fully supporting her and they were wondering whether I would become the boys’ godmother……

My new home

Posted On April 15, 2010

Filed under Uncategorized

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This is my new home http://www.sextalkkenya.sikika.co.ke

Copy this link onto your URL and follow this Kenyan Vixen across the sexual world.

Hello world!

Welcome to Sikika

Sex is a great thing and what I’d like to see happen is everyone around the world talking about it some more so that our society becomes a better (and more exciting) place to live in.

Come along and follow me on this journey.

If you’d like to contact me directly (or send me something you’d like shared up in here), send me an email at sextalkkenya@gmail.com.

Yours truly, 

Kenyan Vixen

The Dreaded M Word

Joycelyn Elders, pediatrician and director of the Arkans Department of Health, was appointed U.S. Surgeon General by President Bill Clinton in 1993. Elders had (and still has) a passionate interest in reducing STI’s and unwanted pregnancies, and she felt that simply preaching abstinence was not an effective strategy for accomplishing these goals. Her support for programs that encouraged contraception led conservatives to call her ‘Condom Queen’

In December 1994, Elders gave a speech at a UN sponsored conference on AIDS. Afterward, she was asked about masturbation as a form of safe sex. “Masturbation, she replied, “is a part of human sexuality and it is part of something that perhaps should be taught!” Specifically, she recommended that information about masturbation be included in a comprehensive program of sex education in schools.

When Clinton learned of her statement and learned that it was going to be published in US News and World Report, he fired her. Her dismissal was one of the few Clinton actions that had the enthusiastic support of republican House speaker Newt Gingrich.

Dr. Elders was unrepentant, “Masturbation,” she later wrote in an online column, “is not a four-letter word, but the President fired me saying it. In this so called ‘communications age’ it remains a sexual taboo of monumental proportions to discuss the safe and universal practice of self pleasure. No doubt, future generations will be amused at our peculiar taboo, laughing in sociology classes at our backwardness, yet also puzzled by it given our high rates of STI and premature pregnancy. We will look foolish in the light of history.”

-Elders, 1997

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