‘Man Talk’ columnist Oyunga Pala hosts masculinity discussion forum

‘Man Talk’ columnist Oyunga Pala and Storymoja Productions last evening hosted a discussion forum seeking to define masculinity in the Kenyan context. The event took place at Dass Ethiopian Restaurant between 6 and 8 p.m.

Some of the questions that had been set out before the event were:

-What does it mean to be a good man?

-Can you be a modern man without abandoning all tradition?

-Why is sex a ‘performance’ and how can we keep up?

-We want to be real men but on our terms

-How can we do this when there are varying demands from our women, parents, kids, bosses and even our mates?

Oyunga Pala said that he felt that men are always under attack. “We never seem to meet your expectations,” he said.

His main question hence was, “In the Kenyan context, what is the definition of masculinity?”

Beyond that, a Kenyan man’s role as the provider, protector and pleaser, what do you get? Women apparently want substance/essence not just looks, position in society and money.

The most contentious issue being sex, Oyunga admitted to watching pornography to learn sexual skills since there are no ‘aunties’ to teach sexual skills. He then invited other men to explain what sexuality meant to them.

One 32 year old newly married man (relatively) said that his views on sexuality have evolved compared to when he was eight years old. He explained that he grew up in a rural area where there really was no dating and all you had to do was ask, ‘Can we?’, then procede to doing it in the nappier grass and with as many girls as possible. Urbanization, he said, has made sex more mystical.

Another Ugandan man in the audience surprised us when he said that back home (Uganda) boys between the ages of eight and eleven used to be taken to their ‘aunties’ to learn how to do it. Leading to this:-‘Kenyan men have never been taught what sexuality is, how then can they define it themselves? What is the function of sex precisely? Can’t men be judged not by their manhood but their essence?’

And to the women was paused the question:

‘What do you wish guys would understand about sex with the modern woman?’

“Today’s woman is not like your mother or grandmother. She wants to ‘please’ herself and still be supported. Cut the traditional stuff,” one woman offered.

Another man in the audience shared his experience; “I was close to my dad for a long time and I thought we shared everything. In late primary school though, I found myself in a situation (sex) but I was clueless. I became very disillusioned (about sex) after that. The only way out is to find the answers for yourself. And even if you don’t get the answers, the search itself is fulfilling,” he explained. Pretty good advice, don’t you think?

It was rightly observed that in the modern world we have clearly removed the traditional stereotype but not redefined masculinity. We have left a gap.

The challenge therefore remains for guys to curve out a new definition of what it means to be a man (masculinity) for themselves.

But how? I was left wondering.

Oyunga Pala has been doing the ‘Man Talk’ column (Nation Newspaper) for about ten years now and is currently working on a book along these lines.